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We've all felt it at some point or another – that sinking feeling, the burning heat of embarrassment, the weight of judgment. But what exactly is shame? At its core, shame is our inherent fear of disconnection. As human beings, we're wired to seek connection. It's what gives our lives meaning and purpose. But to truly connect, we need to be seen in all our imperfect glory, and that demands vulnerability.
The Paradox of Vulnerability Vulnerability, for many, conjures images of weakness or exposure. But what if vulnerability is, in fact, our greatest strength? Those who embrace their vulnerabilities often harbor a profound sense of self-worth. They understand that imperfections are not flaws but rather facets of their unique identity. These individuals recognize that vulnerability is not about weakness; it's about courage. It's about having the audacity to show up and be seen, scars and all. It’s about acknowledging that the very traits that make us vulnerable also make us beautifully, and authentically human.
The Shame-Guilt Divide While shame and guilt seem to be similar emotions, they're not identical twins. Guilt is the regret we feel over actions or behaviours - a reflection of “I did something bad.” Shame, on the other hand, strikes deeper. It's a self-condemning belief: “I am bad.” It's this inherent difference that often makes shame more corrosive.
Our Experiences of Shame Shame isn't one-size-fits-all. For women, shame often manifests as the need to be everything to everyone – the perfect partner, mother, friend, and more. Anything less can attract criticism and further shaming, and we are filled with anxiety and stress trying to maintain that false image. In business or in our careers, society demands us never to appear weak or vulnerable, or we will look as if we don’t have it all together or are not successful enough.
Roots of Shame: Where Does It Stem From? From cultural norms to personal traumas, the triggers for shame are varied. Some might struggle with it due to personal traumas, sexuality, religious beliefs, or societal stigmas surrounding mental health. The consistent thread? The feeling of being under scrutiny can leave a person with already existing vulnerabilities like depression or social anxiety to feel increasingly isolated.
Shame's Isolating Grip When gripped by shame, our instinctive reactions can sometimes make the problem worse. Some might resort to power plays, aggression, or withdrawal, while others might frantically seek validation and acceptance. The common theme? The desperate desire to escape the clutches of that paralysing feeling.
Shine a Light on Shame Resilience against shame is possible and can be empowering. We can do this by:
Recognising and labelling your personal shame triggers (you may need a therapist to talk you through it if it's hard to detect exactly where the shame is. I can help you with that, find out more here. )
Get clear on the external circumstances that led to these feelings (triggers for example)
Talk about your feelings, share them, and listen to others when they share theirs. Remember, you're not alone.
Give yourself grace. You are doing the best you can. We are only human, and our behaviours, thoughts, and patterns around a particular issue may have been created at a young age to avoid shame and keep us safe
Empathy is often the unsung hero in our fight against shame. It’s a powerful antidote, turning isolation into connection. While shame might cause us to turn inward, empathy urges us to reach out – both to seek solace and comfort and to offer it. It's a two-way street, one that leads away from the shadows of shame and towards the warmth of human connection.
By understanding shame and facing it with courage, empathy, and understanding, we can weave a life where shame doesn't define us, but rather, becomes a stepping stone to deeper connections and self-awareness.
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